(And People Who Dislike You)
Sometimes you don’t like your co-worker or boss.
Other times, they don’t like you.
How do you make it work?
Life would be so much easier if we were able to
choose the people around us. We would
interact with people we liked - at home, school, work and play. Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose in most
circumstances. We engage with people we
like and dislike to varying degrees almost every day.
We spend about a third of our waking hours at work. We go into every new job hoping we’ll like
the people we work with or for.
Sometimes we get lucky and everything falls into place. Other times, the co-worker lottery passes us
by. We’re left working with one or more
people we simply don’t like. It’s even
more difficult if we happen to be the one that isn’t liked by others.
Finding advice on how to manage these situations is
an adventure. You’ll hear everything
from “just choose peace” to detailed tactics about how to discredit your enemies. You may even be told that it’s all about the
work and it doesn’t matter if you like or dislike those around you. When you can’t get along with a co-worker or
boss, it can be overwhelming. It’s not
about finding bliss or about destroying others.
It’s about understanding conflicts in the workplace and learning how to
handle them when they occur. Only then
can you be both successful and satisfied at work. If only it were as easy as it sounds.
How do you work with people you dislike or who dislike you?
1. Get to the source.
It’s
easy to decide you dislike someone “just because.” If one of your co-workers dislikes that
person too, you feel vindicated and decide that the person is simply
unlikeable. You may even develop proof
points in your mind, real or contrived.
We’ve all done it at one time or another. If you want to dislike someone and it isn’t
impacting your performance or job satisfaction, go right ahead and consider it
a guilty pleasure. (That is, assuming
you aren’t misbehaving, showing disrespect, or undermining that
individual. That’s a topic for another
day.)
If,
on the other hand, you dislike someone and it’s impacting your ability to be
successful or satisfied in your work, you almost always benefit from a closer
look. The following questions are helpful in identifying what it is you dislike,
and why, so you can address it. These
questions are also useful in trying to understand why someone doesn’t like you.
The
Mirror Affect:
a) Do I know or sense that
this person dislikes me and I’m responding to that?
b) Does this person remind me
of someone else I dislike?
c) Is my issue with this person,
or what they stand for or represent?
Jealousy:
d) Is this person strong in an
area where I’m weak?
e) Am I jealous of this person
or how favorably others perceive them?
f) Does this person favor
others over me for reasons I don’t understand?
Personality:
g) Is this person offensive to
me in their behavior or habits?
h) Do I know enough to dislike
them or is it based on stories I’ve heard?
i) Am I just going along with
other people who dislike this person?
Direct Cause:
j) Has this person done
something to harm me or someone else I care about?
k) Do I perceive this person
to be a weak performer?
l) Am I reliant on this person
and impacted by a poor working relationship?
Sometimes just understanding the reason why you
dislike someone can disarm the situation and help you build greater
tolerance. In all cases, it gives you
guidance on ways you can improve the situation.
If you can move beyond tolerance to improvement, it’s generally worth
the investment. Sometimes you have to
change your mind and sometimes you have to change your circumstance.
2. Adjust what’s in your
control.
With a better understanding of why you dislike
someone and how it may be impacting your success or satisfaction, you’re well equipped
to improve the situation. It’s always a
good idea to adjust what’s in your control before you try to adjust the beliefs
or behaviors of others.
You may have discovered that you may have a ‘mirror
affect’ in play. You may dislike someone
because you believe they dislike you.
Perhaps they remind you of someone or something you don’t like. As hard as it may be, it’s 100% within your
control to view the individual in a different light. If you disassociate them from a perception
that may or may not be true, you can see the individual more clearly and make a
new assessment. Giving someone the
benefit of the doubt seems contrite, but sometimes it really works. Our filters can be very powerful manipulators
of reality. You may end up right where
you started, but it doesn’t hurt to validate.
Jealousy issues are equally within your
control. Sometimes these are hard to
admit, but the more honest you can be if there’s a hint of jealousy the faster
you can turn it around. It’s easy to
dislike someone because they make you feel inferior in some way. What we often don’t realize is that someone else
feels that way about us too. The grass
is always greener for another whether it’s physical attributes, personality, or
skills. If you embrace the jealousy and
instead watch, learn, or appreciate the distinction you’ll be much more
gratified in the relationship. Jealousy almost
always breeds bad behavior.
Finally, if you’ve been slighted by someone and
can’t let it go, you may want to make a different choice. A one-time event that causes a splinter in
your relationship with another may warrant forgiveness. Consider letting go of
perceived injustices just to gain relief. Be sure to keep your eyes open moving
forward, though, so you can see potential trouble coming.
3. Be creative in managing
personality conflicts.
Sometimes your challenges with an individual are
very real and tangible. Personality
conflicts in the workplace can be highly disruptive and aggravating to all
involved. Whether it’s a personal habit
that drives you crazy or a communication style you find challenging, it can
feel like a personal assault in the close quarters of your workplace.
With matters of personality conflict, you can
always start by trying to maintain a cordial, but distant relationship. This approach works if you have no critical dependency
on the individual and can get by with infrequent contact. One of my former
colleagues calls this the “just walk on by” approach. You can also pursue avoidance as a strategy,
asking to change teams or otherwise find relief by creating distance. This is also a valid option in some
circumstances.
If you can’t create distance, however, you should
address personality conflicts. This is
particularly true if other people are impacted by the drama that comes from two
team members who don’t collaborate well.
Remember that personality conflicts reflect poorly on both parties,
regardless of who’s “right.” Below are a
few options to manage these situations.
a)
Learn more and find common
ground.
It’s possible
that if you get to know someone better, you’ll find redeeming qualities currently
hidden by the flames surrounding your hot buttons. Maybe he or she has a personal
or professional challenge you aren’t aware of that impacts their behavior. You may discover a sense of humor you’ve yet
to see. You may have common interests or
connections in your community. Ask a
question about something work-related to open a dialog; it often helps build a bridge
to tolerance.
b)
Agree to rules of
engagement.
Sometimes you
just have to be direct. I was once in a situation
where it was obvious to everyone that my peer and I didn’t like each
other. The situation impacted everyone
around us to some degree. Here’s how I
handled it and to my surprise it worked.
It’s now one of the tools I use regularly to help others who have these
challenges. I scheduled a private meeting with the following message:
“I don’t particularly like you. I know you don’t like me. We don’t have to like each other, but we have
to be able to work together. It’s impacting
how others view us individually and it’s preventing us from achieving our
objectives. We need a cease-fire and to
find a way to work together. What can I
do differently that would make our working relationship better? I have ideas as well.”
These are hard
conversations. Your stomach will be in
knots. Despite the anxiety that comes
from having a direct dialog, this approach can serve you well in dealing with
personality conflicts. The goal is to
acknowledge the truth and find a way to work it out productively as adults. The trick?
You may have to be the adult first.
c)
Ask for help in coming to
agreement.
Managers exist to manage the business and
ensure objectives are achieved. Part of that responsibility is managing the
people trying to do the work. You can
ask your manager for advice in working more effectively with someone you
dislike, or you can even ask the manager to intervene and help you and your
co-worker figure it out. Either way,
letting your manager know you’re interested in being collaborative and
cooperative is a good thing. Chances are
they’ve heard about the personality conflict even if they haven’t yet mentioned
it to you. Sometimes, your manager can
actually help.
Note: It’s
generally accepted that you’ll get further in your career if you’re well-liked
by others. This is the concept of catching
more flies with honey than vinegar. I
subscribe to that philosophy and do my best to be a person worthy of being
liked by others in the workplace. I
encourage you to do the same. But
sometimes, other people just may not like you.
The guidelines above also help when you find yourself on the receiving end of dislike.
4. Take respect issues
seriously.
It’s one thing to dislike someone and tolerate
personality conflicts. It’s another
thing entirely if you dislike someone because you feel he or she has done
something to harm you, is showing you disrespect, or is undermining your
effectiveness in the organization. When
you dislike someone for these types of direct causes, it’s no surprise. They clearly dislike you and represent a
threat to you and your success.
Experts in business say that it’s more important to
be respected than to be liked. I happen
to believe they’re both very important, but without question if you fail to
earn respect within an organization you’ll likely fail. If someone is attempting to impact your
achievement in a negative way, you shouldn’t just decide to respond in
kind. In nearly all cases, you should address
it directly. This is also true for
situations where someone’s performance is inhibiting your ability to be
successful. Here’s my recommendation for
taking on these difficult situations. Be
thoughtful about what approach will work best for you based on your
personality, that of the other person, and the degree to which your
relationship is challenged.
a)
Call it out and seek to
change behavior.
Schedule a private discussion with the other
person. Prepare your thoughts in advance
to you can speak with clarity and confidence.
Tell them you’re reaching out because you have a serious concern. Express your concern directly with regard to
the behavior you’ve observed or what you’ve been told. Tell them you believe their actions are either
disrespectful or undermining your ability to be successful and why. Outline the behavior you would expect or
prefer to see instead. Explain why you believe it’s important to show each
other respect and collaborate. Ask for their response or agreement. If they interrupt you before you can deliver
the core of your message, ask them to please let you finish and that you’ll
give them the opportunity uninterrupted as well.
What not to do?
This is the hard part. Don’t be
emotional or inflammatory in your choice of words or tone. Avoid bringing other
people into the drama. Under no
circumstance should you threaten. Just stick to the facts and attempt to
negotiate a change in behavior. If you
are unsuccessful in gaining common ground, let the other person know you’re
concerned enough that you need to escalate to your leadership team. And then do it.
b)
Escalate it.
I don’t recommend you escalate without first
attempting to resolve issues yourself, unless you feel you have no choice. Maybe you don’t believe the person will agree
to meet with you. Certainly don’t engage
in a direct discussion if you have concern for your safety or you
fear repercussions. If for whatever
reason you aren’t able to address these issues directly, you should escalate to
your manager. Even if your manager
doesn’t engage to assist you, you’ll be on record that you raised the concern
in case the situation impacts your performance long-term. With any luck, your manager will facilitate a
discussion with the other person (and their manager as appropriate) to help you
come to agreement.
If you find yourself in a situation where you’re having
challenges with your manager, know that diplomacy is absolutely essential. I’ve made the mistake of believing that being
“right” (by my own assessment) was more important than showing deference to my
boss. It’s a hard lesson, but there’s really
no circumstance where it’s okay to openly disregard your leader. This is true whether you dislike them or they
dislike you. This is a lesson most of us
learn over and over again as we experience frustration with our leaders and
respond without thinking through the ramifications.
All of the ideas presented earlier can be equally effective
when used with your manager as with a co-worker. Just acknowledge that your boss may choose to
continue their behavior without consequence.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to find common ground. You’ll improve your situation more often than
not. Here are some additional ideas on
how to improve the relationship between you and your manager.
a)
If you dislike your manager,
acknowledge their strength(s).
Just
as you can find common ground with a co-worker, you can usually find common
ground with your manager. When you
dislike your boss, it generally comes down to your level of respect for them. Your manager may not be who you’d like them
to be, and they may not fulfill every need you have as a member of their
team. But in most cases, managers are
chosen because they have a core skill that’s valuable to the organization. Sometimes just reminding yourself of their
skill(s) helps you tolerate areas of weakness.
Tap into what’s good, ask for what you need (even if they should know
without you asking) and keep a professional boundary on your relationship.
One
exception: If your manager is
disrespectful to you or inappropriate in any way, you should have a discussion about
how you feel when situation a, b, or c occurs.
Be honest, but well-mannered, and make it about your reaction vs. their
behavior. If things don’t change, you
can choose to escalate to human resources, talk with your boss’s boss, or look
for a potential move to another leader’s organization. If the situation doesn’t improve over time, don’t
stay too long in a situation where you’re miserable. Sometimes bosses come and go, but sometimes
they last a very long time.
b)
If your manager dislikes
you, evaluate the role you play.
It’s
very difficult to gain favor with a boss who doesn’t like you. In situations where you have a personality
conflict, challenge yourself as to the role you’re playing in the
relationship. If you don’t respect your
manager, they won’t respect you. If you
don’t keep your commitments and earn their trust, they won’t trust you. If you disregard their direction, they won’t
engage you in decision-making. If you
don’t have their back, why would they have yours?
If
you’re able to acknowledge the role you may be playing in causing your manager
to dislike you, you can adjust and adapt to improve the situation. Remember that you don’t need to be friends
with your boss. You just need to be
personable enough to maintain a productive and professional relationship.
If
you invest all you can to no avail, you either have to accept that your success
may be limited if you work for this person or choose to move on. If you stay, protect yourself by making sure
all expectations are documented in writing and that you deliver on them. Document your performance results often and ask
for feedback in writing.
Challenges between people in the workplace can’t be
avoided. Anytime you bring people
together, conflicts arise. You won’t
like everyone at work and they won’t all like you. That doesn’t mean you should accept things as
they are. Get to the source to understand
what’s behind the relationship dynamic. Change
what’s within your control to improve the situation. When a change in your
perspective isn’t enough, don’t avoid taking it one step further. Invest time and energy in coming to an
understanding. Remember that you’re not
seeking world peace, but simply a productive work environment.
You spend a lot of time at work. Tolerating relationship challenges, vs. working
to improve them, is rarely the best course.
Sometimes it’s all you’ve got, so developing patience helps too. But don’t let fear stop you from working
through challenges directly and productively.
In most cases, you’re only as successful as your ability to work well
with others. It’s not always easy, but
it’s always worth the pursuit.
My best to
you.
Lisa
